I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
New tinder profile pic
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]