If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
We’ve come full circle
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*