@nikitonsky

We’ve come full circle

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@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@TweetToTheVoid2

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

@online_shawn

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

@TheTweetOfGod

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

@Smooheed

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

@primawesome

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@TheBoydP

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

@DomBorrett

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

@DurtMcHurtt

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.