When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.