Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Okay
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.