Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.