Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.