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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?