Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
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A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt