Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do