Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
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I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”