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While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Batman v Dracula
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?