As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.