I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Swedish for common sense.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to