“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
True.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
i- i did not expect this
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.