I can fix him.
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.