Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
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Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.