when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
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It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Doggies just call it style.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again