me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Whisper out to librarians!