I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
birds and squirrels envy us
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words