I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Tier 3 meme