“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
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We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.