I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Shower sex be like:
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*