@elizaleela

Whisper out to librarians!

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@Reverend_Scott

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

@mommajessiec

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

@kevinthedad

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

@bingowings14

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

@XplodingUnicorn

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

@goodgrief_rats

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

@BradBroaddus

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

@Fulkery1

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.