Whisper out to librarians!
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.