F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump