GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The answer is funnier than the question
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.