there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
this is the best interaction on twitter
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”