My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
You Might Also Like
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.