My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
You Might Also Like
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag