My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.