this is the best interaction on twitter
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!