My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.