Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap