Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
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When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.