*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.