What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.