What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
A classic…
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.