Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
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All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today