ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
You Might Also Like
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister