Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son