Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.