Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
How to woo a woman
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The photographer’s assistant
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men