Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.