My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Finally, a door that understands me
I feel it
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A new level of troll.
I think this should do it.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*