Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.