I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
You Might Also Like
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
This is enough internet for the day.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Cat.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons