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“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
🌱🌱🌱
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…