parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…