Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
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brian had himself a morning…
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.