It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…