I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?