My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
You Might Also Like
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
This 4th of July, please remember…
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery