Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that